It's okay to be alone

Time is accelerating way more than I expected. I am currently studying in a polytechnic now. Back in the days where I was in secondary school, I pictured my poly life would be much better as compared to my boring secondary life... However, when reality steps in, I realize I shouldn't be so naive anymore. In the past, I thought I could have a new start in poly, to make new friends and enjoy school life. However, I am a really naive person. I only saw the "positive" parts of poly mates and school environment, because when I get enrolled and starts my new classes, I realize, well, probably my poly class would not be better off than my secondary school class. Believe or not, I was ostracized for quite a long period during secondary school. Because my closest friends left me, and what made the matter worse was, they refused to tell me the reason. The feeling was extremely horrendous, terrible. My classmates have their own cliques for quite a while, hence I do not have any courage to try to step into their worlds. This was why for a long period in my life in secondary school, I felt so hard because I was literally left alone. No one attempted to invite me into their discussions, I sat alone, for a year. I did not know what made me able to make it to go to school everyday, although I knew that it will be hell for me to go because I will be all left alone. I felt like I am not accepted AT ALL. To the people who gets ostracized before, you will know how it feels. It was so difficult for me to go to school everyday. I felt like I made a terrible mistake that caused me to get ostracized by everyone. I hate going to lunch, recess alone, I hate to eat inside the toilet cubicle at times. I know this sounded gross... But I think I should really speak out my pain, I do not have the courage to tell this to my friends or family, I could only vent it in here, because I know at least there will be people reading it, and this will seemed that I have spoke this out to someone although I did not speak this physically. Life was the worst when I was ostracized, and this made me to pin all my hopes for a new school life in polytechnic... I did a lot of soul searching, constantly asking myself, what had I done to get ostracized? I promised myself to not let it happen again in poly, and so far, I did not get ostracized, physically at least. I tried to be slightly different, tried to be initiative, speaking out more, attempted to get a little attention, it did not work out a lot for me, and that was when I realize I shouldn't really speak out all from my mind to everyone. Because almost everyone are judgmental, some are rather delusional as well. I know I will definitely get hated more if any of my classmates get to know this, but I guess, I have nothing much left anyways. In poly, life was no way much better as compared to secondary school life. I am not ostracized physically, but I need to get mindful of what I am saying because, well, I am a sucker to be sensitive of others and I admit this, which makes me having not much friends around. However, friends who stayed by my side are the true ones, which I am so glad for this. They truly know who i am and they wouldn't take it into their heart if I accidentally sounded offensive because they know I do not mean that way. I am really thankful for my friends and my boyfriend who supported me until now :'). I do not have the best personality but I realize it is okay to be alone, because there will still be people in our lives supporting us. Stay strong. :)